It was easy for her to wake up in the morning and bump her head on the ceiling fan. In fact, she did it so regularly she often expected it. If she didn't hit her head in the morning, the day would fall to ruin. She became convinced of this.
When she hit her head in the morning her girlfriend would call, fill her with love.
When she hit her head, her grandfather lived to see another day, remembered her name, got to move about the house with less pain, and occasionally could smell the fresh mint growing outside his window.
When she hit her head on the ceiling fan, the sun would shine and it wouldn't be too hot. She'd remember the way it felt to dig her feet into sand, back when her family was held together by something unseen and beautiful. The pain jolted her to new found hope, and she didn't want to know why. It was in this way that she began to enjoy the little things again.
If something bad happens in the morning, you think there's no way the day could possibly get worse.
And sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes she hits her head and a butterfly will land right on her index finger. Sometimes, she's driving and only gets green lights. Sometimes she'll get to spend the day at her favorite table in her favorite cafe. And her matcha is just the right temperature. and someone will compliment her hair. or outfit. or aura. She'll say "it's because I hit my head today" "It's because I was knocked into next week"
and yes.
A bump does form and her girlfriend gets concerned. There is a wary energy that arrives with her inability to walk in a straight line. Girlfriend kisses her forehead again and again and again. Right where the cut starts to sting. She doesn’t want there to be any more hurt.
How many times have you hit your head on purpose? Girlfriend will ask.
her mouth is unable to form an answer.
Is it involuntary if you do nothing to prevent it from happening?
If you wake up and wish for harm, does it make everything better?
When she doesn’t hit her head, she’s started to stay inside and contemplate. It is these days that her grandfather doesn’t remember her name. And it is these days that her girlfriend gets upset with her for all the chaos. It is these days when the world is just a little less nice. When the missteps add up. When her matcha runs cold, and makes her sick. What is the common denominator? There has to be a reason.
a wish to experience only the best things at her own expense.
Very well written ❤️